Dry

2003-11-11T06:54:00.000-08:00

I have learnt this: simplicity takes a lot of effort. It is not easy to be "easy'.

2003-09-22T08:05:00.000-07:00

Why is it sometimes a stranger can give you so much solace by just exchanging some tidbits - yet a close person can upset you enough that you feel it would be better if life just stopped and took a turn where u could find no known people?

Is it again linked to "expectation" ?

I read something which made so much sense to me "It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend." It's so true.

2003-09-12T19:28:00.000-07:00

Reminiscences of Hawaii

We landed in Hawaii with a BANG! Literally, since I fell on the staircase of the airport. In Japan everyone would have politely looked away but not so in US – there were half-smiles probably at my abashed and stupid face as I sat bewildered for a while. My husband was most amused and had a big grin all over his face. So do you find it surprising that the whole situation produced rainbow colours on my face? My torment continued till the time I could get out of airport – my mind imagined all the 1000 people there has not only seen but was also continuously thinking solely of that scene where I lay huddled into a lump at the bottom of the staircase.

Well, so much for my “Aloha”(welcome) into Hawaii. Things cooled down considerably since we were ushered into a lovely limo (Taxi in Hawaii). Unlike in Japan where I was completely disappointed at the sight of a plain vanilla bus which was termed ‘limo’ – this was a proper limousine I have always seen in English movies like God Father and other such mafia stuff - as in it was long and had enough leg space for 10 of my legs and it had wine glasses with napkins decorated at the side chamber. I felt much better (though there was no wine).

Our taxi driver was Chinese with limited English skills and we had a short period of déjà vu as we tried to explain the direction to our hotel. The limo drove into Waikiki beach, which was really picturesque – however I suddenly realized why Rick (my boss) had used the term “pretty” and not “beautiful” when describing this place. It was a strange blend – when I look through the right window of the limo there were the lovely blue sea waves splashing onto the white-sand beach lined with shining green coconut trees whose leaves rustled in the breeze. On my left was an array of high-end brand outlets, Louis Vuitton, Takashimaya (or was it Mitsukoshi?), Prada, Gucci – you name it and they are there. It evoked a strange feeling of natural and artificial in me. Other than our one-day visit to Hanauma Bay I did not greatly enjoy Waikiki – I found it perfect for active surfers and shopping (Ala Moana is good!) but that’s about it. Hanauma Bay is a paradise for beginners in snorkeling. The day we went to Hanauma – the sea was very rough due to the hurricane hitting a nearby island, but it had its own charms since the sea was wild – the waves were huge and they lashed around like an angry sea-monster.

Next we landed in Maui, which did true justice to the Hawaii fame! The beauty of the place impressed me. I could never have imagined so much beauty could be concentrated in a place had I not visited Maui. Mind you – if you are looking for crowd, activity and hectic life, Maui can be boring. However, if you are looking for lovely, quiet, serene beauty coupled with some amount of activity like snorkeling (at Molokini), sunrise tour on a volcanic crater (Haleakala), driving through a rain-forest (Road to Hana)– this place is unparalleled. For those who have traveled the road from Mumbai to Nasik – Maui has similar beauty but a shade better due to sprawled out golden sea beaches.

My best memory of Maui is the “Road to Hana”. The tour pamphlet had an apt quote “It is not the destination, it is the journey.” The place Hana, has nothing much but the road to it is adventurous and charming. The guided tour took us through a great rain forest, which was flush with fruits (esp. guavas), flowers (white-ginger flower), streams trickling down the lava vents of this extinct (or was it dormant?) volcano, double-canopied bamboo groves, etc. However, the local flavour to the whole tour was not given by any of these – it was our tour guide, Sam. His vivid descriptions of the historical background of the place (including why and how Captain Cook was killed), the numerous anecdotes, stories of his family, were what charmed us. There is a particularly rough patch on that road where the van jolts up and down and suddenly we came across a “bumper”(speed-breaker) in that patch - we could hear Sam thinking aloud “Man! Me always wondered why they put that bumper in this road!”

We left Maui cherishing lovely memories of golden sunrises, fiery-red sunsets, deep blue ocean, lush green mountains, sweet fragrant “Plumeria” flowers and above all the warm, fun-loving local people. Even today while sitting at my office desk when I close my eyes to rest for a while, I have a smile thinking of how Wordsworth’s few words have transcended time in expressing human feelings ….

“I gazed-and gazed-but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;”

Tidbits:

1. Hawaii is full of Japanese and everyone can understand, if not speak, the language. But it is not Japan – since I lost my travel book Lonely Planet within 5 minutes of leaving it behind – could not find it at the same spot.

2. Hawaiians still feel they are ‘occupied’ by USA, not really part of USA. We heard that slight resentment in the words of every Hawaiian we spoke to.

3. It looks like either it is a custom and honour if a Hawaiian is sharing his family information with you, or all tour guides are trained to tell you that. Both the local tour guides we had, told us about their family. “You know my little boy plays soccer and my girl goes to a Polynesian school – no English there!” It was interesting to notice the last was told with lot of pride in his voice.

2003-09-11T04:46:00.000-07:00

Freedom

I realised today I really love my freedom above anything else. You might say, 'everyone does - what's new about that?' I just happen to forget it sometimes in my balance of ambition and freedom. Ask - How the two are in conflict? Often to meet our ambition we give up some amount of our freedom e.g. I need to do something (nothing wrong, just not to my liking) which is not what my free self would have done, but I know doing it will help me achieve my goals/ambition. That's where the conflict comes.

I can compromise to some extent - but after a while it just suffocates me and I feel the need to say 'Get lost' and be damn glad about it. I felt that way today - it was so peaceful. I gifted myself that peace and happiness.

Nothing like freedom! I think this is specially true about relationships - in a good relationship one needs that space - that mutual respect for each other's freedom. Otherwise the relationship is gone - just like that. I have seen it happen so many times.

"Life is worth living but only worth living 'coz you're born free"

2003-09-08T04:12:00.000-07:00

It's about time I jotted down something - and no better time since I am just back from Hawai-i..........oh I loved the trip! Maui was just out of the world....the beauty was mind boggling. I wish I could have spent some more time there.

2003-08-10T16:21:00.000-07:00

"Roz Roz Aankhon Tale Ek Hi Sapna Chale
Raat Bhar Kaajal Jale, Aankh Mein Jis Tarah
Khwaab Ka Diya Jaale"

I love this song.

Jabse Tumhari Naam Ki Misri Honth Lagayi Hai
Meetha Sa Gham Hai Aur Meethi Si Tanhaai Hai
Roz Roz Aankhon Tale ...
Chhotisi Dil Ki Uljhan Hai Yeh Suljhaa Do Tum
Jeena To Seekha Hai Marke, Marna Sikha Do Tum

Sometimes my experimenting with life takes me to strange by-lanes and I need to search out my way from it.......this "aankh mein khwab ka diya" always helps me out :) - cryptic huh?

2003-07-31T18:15:00.000-07:00

I completed 3 years in my work place today. I am a bit free now to retrospect since I came in at 4.45am today - some exiciting stuff to complete in the morning. It was a very different feeling to come so early - I felt fresh and it was amazing how fast I could think!

Memories that come.....

* Suchi shouting out, "Hey are you pregnant - you look so beautiful!" which embarassed me so much, never imagining such comments can be made in an office so publicly! I miss her vivacity - she was a bundle of laughter vibrating around the whole place.

* Divya's comment on my mentor, "He is very good at whatever job he is doing now." Now I dont know why I remember that stray piece of comment - but I found so many opportunities to validate that and yes she was right.

* Poo-da's merry laughter every morning while reading Dilbert and his love for National Geographic mags.

* Moh's teasing Ra - "drinking oolong tea is having slimming effect only on your limbs, your pot belly is gaining still.." and Ra (senior elderly person) becoming speechless and red :) really amusing!

* The time when I got so affected by a random decision that I thought of quitting and the people who stood by me and fought for me....that party at some Kawa building where I stood outside in the staircase crying profusely...what a child I was .....(and still is?)

* The first Bowling party I have ever attended and the thrill of scoring 178 - yippie!

Well, well...its been a world of laughter and a world of tears - with more of laughter than tears.

2003-07-28T08:42:00.000-07:00

Reminisce
When I was in 6th grade I first heard the song "Somewhere over the rainbow" - it is a different version I am listening to now (Israel Kamakawiwo'ole) - it has just as effectively wound back time.

I miss the strength and support of my father
I miss being spoilt by mother and I miss acting spoilt
I miss being idol-worshipped by my brother
I miss the genuine flattery (yes, I meant that) of my friends
I miss the easy success of academics

and for tonight I miss sleeping like a baby!

2003-07-28T07:14:00.000-07:00

Just read this in the blog of Ramana
Imperfection is what makes us lovable, likable and real. Perfection makes us inaccessible.

I agree with it and I like the way it is put.

2003-07-28T06:59:00.000-07:00

I am in the mood for soft sweet melodies.....the light is dim, it is night time.

* It's a world of laughter, it's a world of tears (Disney's small world)

* I'll Have To Say I Love You In A Song (Jim Croce)

* Wonderful Tonight

* Sailing (Chritopher Cross)

* Fable

2003-07-27T16:56:00.000-07:00

I like doing unconventional stuff - I dont like following rules - ever so aften I want to check out what happens if I follow the path unbeaten. Sometimes it got me into trouble but sometimes I have got returns which makes it worth the troubles!

3 fun stuff I would like to do-----

* Decide to take off Monday morning after I wake up on Monday and listen to "The moment I wake up, before I put on my make-up, I say a little prayer for you" :).

* DONT have the wisdom to understand the difference between "what I can change and what I need to accept". Ever so often I have been able to change what I thought needs to be accepted!

* Go to a 3.00am movie show @ RH.

I am doing the number 1 right now! :) I feel awfully relaxed and glad!

2003-07-27T05:02:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed watching "Matilda" - it was so sweet. Why do I like kid stuff?

2003-07-27T04:47:00.000-07:00

I had a lovely time with CheMe. She was here on biz trip and I spent a lot of time with her. I like her cool disposition - reminds me of Ana - calm yet strong personality. They calm me down too - when I feel restless, they are the cooling zone. Last night we drove back from office at 3.00am and I was restless but as I did small talk with her, I calmed down and by the time I was home I was ready to crash into bed. I was surprised to see Shy awake at that hour. Later he told me it was bcoz he wanted to give me company in the late hours -I was unspeakably touched. Well I am a Leo!

Bh family is back today and I was so happy to see them. They give me a sense of family and I enjoy every moment with them. I love their happiness, their enthusiasm, their human-ness.

The Saturday night was not good for me but I keep reminding myself "If it is to be; it is upto ME." I have a choice and whatever happens is bcoz of the choice I make. When I think that way it makes me feel stronger - I dont feel like a victim of circumstances and it helps me recover faster :)

2003-07-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

When I do any work it is a part of me - my self, my identity. Is that a good or a bad thing? One would think there should be no debate about that. But I think it is debatable at a certain point. Why?

2003-07-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how relaxed and light I feel after I have had a good cry! May be "good laugh" would be a better substitute to most - but to me nothing like a good cry. That "low" feeling vanishes and I feel up and ready to face the world again :) I start realizing I have not been "counting my many blessings". Does this mean the so-called 'cry-babies' are more relaxed in general? I wonder.

2003-07-21T04:43:00.000-07:00

Long weekends are the best things in life!! I feel so fresh - but tomorrow's 'back to work' :( But I am enjoying work too - so big deal I am looking forward to that too :) It's very pleasant today - there's a light breeze out there and I am listening to.............

when I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
and all that I so want to give you
It's only a heartbeat away
when I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
keeping me warm night and day

I love the new Hawaii top i bought today - it's cool man!

2003-07-12T06:05:00.000-07:00

I relaxed totally today.....badminton, swimming, lunch, movie, long walk, dinner at "Noodles", shopping for Hawaii and now back home. I love this. Heard T3 is good - I want to see it at the lovely new complex -Roppongi Hills - it's 24 hour theatre - so we can make it to the movie even now - Shy has to be game! Let me try it out!

2003-07-11T09:01:00.000-07:00

Had another great day. I am happy with myself - i am relaxed, confident and working with a strong focus - i know what i want. It's really good when someone not only recognizes your good work but goes all ga ga over it - i felt that way today...
How do you feel when 10 people tell you they would not have anyone else but you for the work they have in mind...... you feel "oh here's trouble at hand, you dont have time to relax and enjoy anymore" - ha ha.

Am I giving in to the narcissist in me?!

2003-07-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

I had a GRRREAT day today - it was in general a lovely fun-filled day, with lots of work and yet lots of fun! Got the approval from R-san for A's travel to SNG and felt quite kicked about it - my first time!

2003-07-07T04:46:00.000-07:00

Today R-san told me something which struck a deep note "Get your priorities right......Know what will stand by you and what will not....." He was referring to my hospital-going incident and thus my focus on health - but to me it appeared I am perhaps not having any of my priorities right in life - be it health, people, career - everything is getting confused.

On a different note, what R-san said and the way he said raised my regards for him - this place will change so much and I dont know whether I am ready for the change. Though I dont see any option for me but to be ready!

2003-06-30T07:06:00.000-07:00

Bin's in town. She flew in from HK and spent the weekend with us.....it was great great fun to have her around. Got to know all the gossips around the corner, the new batches of B - their loves, their tears, their fights, their fears - got all the stories. We talked till 4.00am on Saturday - haven't seen that hour since I left campus. It was fun.

I think Shy got a bit bored.

2003-06-22T07:15:00.000-07:00

"The greatest religion is to be true to your own nature. Have faith in yourselves!"

We celebrated Vivekananda's birthday in Tokyo today. It was great - I loved it. He has been my ideal through out my student life and it was great to listen to his words after quite some time. He is such an inspiration!

2003-06-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

I had a sudden presentation to our country head today. It was a surprise - S was supposed to do the presentation but suddenly R turned to me and said - why dont u go ahead? Oops - never been in such a spot in my life - but aint I glad - I think I can pat my back at my performance. I had them convinced and we are going ahead with the idea - yippie! I felt really thrilled today. After the surprise show we went out for a drink - I wish I could talk more.

2003-06-17T06:51:00.000-07:00

I love life because of the friends I have - they are not everything in life but what would life be without them?

2003-06-17T06:45:00.000-07:00

We were talking of "expectation" and "trust"....I liked something Sa said "you cannot stop trusting - that is the essence of human life; but you can moderate your expectations" I liked the usage of the word "moderate" - after all we cannot eliminate expectation!

2003-06-17T06:39:00.000-07:00

I had such a nice chat session today with my dear friend. I had a bland day in office - sort of disappointing - and I loved relating to my friend. Why is it this way that I have lost that touch with Ra whom I considered closer to me and yet I can so easily relate to Sa - in spite of the stop-gaps in our relationship. It is as if I can just walk-in and pick up a conversation with Sa anytime I want to and I would not feel we had not been in touch!
I miss that feeling - someone whom I can mentally relate to - who can feel what I am thinking.

2003-06-09T16:48:00.000-07:00

I hear the same music and I still ache to feel the same feeling.....reality is I dont. "You are the answer to my prayer...you are my angel, you're all I need tonight."
Saw Matrix Reloaded this weekend - definitely more comprehensible but the ending was a bit strange - it had the effect of the sudden finish, but it seemed too sudden! I am tired - I want a break in life. I am surprised that I feel this way. I am doing so well in my career, I have what I want - what is it I am missing? I guess everyone goes through this 'searching-the-meaning-of-life' phase.... maybe I am missing challenges.

2003-05-28T07:16:00.000-07:00

I have seen an infinitely sweet movie just now. It is "Emma". I loved it - after a long long time I was seeing a sweet love story and it was great! There was the perfect match of romance and idealism and uncertainty and youthful falacies(ah i am influenced by the language) which made it so sweet!
I had an early day today - had coffee chitchat with Hiraisan.

2003-05-23T08:42:00.000-07:00

i am not able to get out of a loop i myself created.

2003-05-21T05:24:00.000-07:00

I made such a mistake .... I want to forget last year Oct.

2003-05-19T06:20:00.000-07:00

I am very happy today. After I came back from India I am living every moment of my life fully. I have seen someone close to me staring into the eyes of death - and it has changed me. I still remember the look in those eyes, the desperation, the longing for life, the longing to live.... We get so caught in living everyday - that we lose the bigger picture. I want to remember those eyes, so that I can live life - never miss out on what is most important in life.

2003-05-18T03:27:00.000-07:00

I am back after a whole month - ahh exactly a month - but it has been such a hectic month. I went to India, loved the warmth(heat to be more accurate), the vibrancy, came back and promptly managed to crash my harddisk...ouch it hurts to think about the whole thing - all my Kazaa songs are gone :(

I loved this India visit. I never relaxed as much as I did this time - just laid back and chilled, had tons of mangoes, phuchkas, jhalmuri, went to BelurMath for a while and it was bliss - the evening Arati, the sound of conch shells when the sun set, the Krishnachura trees in fire with bright red blossoms, the sudden spells of thunder showers so typical of summer...........need I say more to explain how much I am missing India and Calcutta.

When I came back it was as if a different me - one who is washed out of all the stress. There is far more stress in developed countries than there ever will be in developing countries - I know that's quite a debatable remark, but I believe in it b'coz I experience it.

2003-04-18T01:38:00.000-07:00

I am laughing at my previous blog when I think of my day today.....I was a total child. What do I do with this inner child of mine which pops out ever so suddenly? I hate being vulnerable - no, I think what I hate most is showing I am vulnerable - and how well I did that today!!!

2003-04-16T06:51:00.000-07:00

I am proud of myself today. I did not lose my temper even when I was tempted; I did not complain when I had enough reasons to; I behaved like a mature person and... the results were amazing. People did what I wanted them to do without mine having to tell them - they got the message.
I like this style and I will follow it - I want to give myself a month to see the results. If it is anywhere near what I got today - yippie!!!

2003-04-15T16:43:00.000-07:00

I found this site pretty good for portfolio optimization. The speadsheets given are easy to understand and scale for more number of assets.

2003-04-15T06:47:00.000-07:00

Katra katra milti hai, katra katra jeene do....

That is the theme of my mood today and I think will remain so for few days to come. Dont ask me why - I just feel like getting away to some far off country where no one knows me, no one has any expectation from me, no one looks upto me - I can be just me and do whatever I feel like just at that moment - no past no future to think about. I used to day-dream about going to Africa and living there in anonymity with unknown people in the jungle region - will it remain a dream or will I be able to do that someday? Life will say.

2003-04-14T07:56:00.000-07:00

â€œStart where you are with what you have. Make something of it. Never be satisfied!â€�

Gearge Carver said so. It is stuck on the top rim of my TFT monitor - I take a look whenever I find I am going complacent or even when I am having a tough time....

2003-04-14T07:49:00.000-07:00

Is it not a coincidence that the first new statement was waiting on my door front today for me to view? I had a strange feeling holding the new "look-n-feel" in my hands - this is the result of a long 7 months of hardwork I have put in and there it was delivered to my house on Day 1 - it was as if I was holding my baby in my hands. I cannot describe my feelings - it was a mixture of satisfaction, relief and pride. Well I am all ears for what the customer has to say...that will be the ultimate test of my efforts.

2003-04-12T07:07:00.000-07:00

I received a mail from Sb after a long time and it was so good. He was talking about our fights and IIMB days - it was a good glimpse of the days gone by. Lot of people responded to the chance mail and it felt good to be in touch with all the guys again. Is it not a good feeling to know you are still remembered and cared for even though you are not in touch for sometime?

2003-04-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

I am back home - I LOVE home..I was so so homesick that I was counting hours and minutes and seconds and when the plane landed in Narita I almost had tears in my eyes. Kawa-san started laughing! For me home is the most beautiful place on earth - I dont care how nice Sydney or any other place is - I love Shy and I am waiting to meet him for lunch today. I am so happy and relieved - both because my work at Sydney was a success and of course I am home (didnt u listen to my rambling for the last few lines?!) :)

I did not know the origin of "Tumse Milke" tune is this Leo Sayer song....Swami again!

When I need you
I just close my eyes
And I'm with you. And all that I so wanna give you
It's only a heartbeat away.
When I need love
I hold out my hands
And I touch love. I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day.
Miles and miles of empty space in between us
The telephone can't take the place of your smiie.
But you know I won't be travelling for ever.
It's cold out
but hold out
And do like I do.

2003-04-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

My knowledge-enhancement on Sydney:

1. Taxi Drivers talk a lot. (and I like their warm rounded 'rights' - "Rroight!")

2. People are warm and helpful.

3. Almost every food joint have their receipt-printer breaking down ever so often (I have been told that 3 out of 4 times - 75%!)

4. People consider working till 7.00pm "very late". Everytime I said "well we'll be working late today" the lightning response was "what till 7.00?" (Frequency of occurrence = 5 out of 5) If you answer 8.30pm - you get that "what-you-crazy-or-something" look.

5. Came to know from Peter, on an average every family has 2.2 cars

6. Saw some houses costing 50million AUD - mortgage rate I was told is around 7-10% (have to cross-check that).

7. Sharks very often swim up from the sea to the Paramatta river right into almost 30kms inland!

2003-04-06T18:20:00.000-07:00

Sydney is quite beautiful if you have a partner. I am missing Shy and his funny ways :(
I never realized I miss looking at the warm blue sky so much - Tokyo does not have any! That was my first feeling when I landed in Sydney - so much of sky above and so much of green below.

Though work has been hectic and yesterday I slept like I have never slept before...told my colleagues to get lost when they tried waking me up - but I am enjoying my time. I could get only half the Sunday off - but I went shopping sightseeing all on my own! I remember this personality test I took when working for ABB - it had these questions whether I ever go shopping or eating-out alone? My answer was a strong NO - I hate doing it alone. I guess I have changed a bit since - I still dont look forward to doing all that stuff alone - but I dont mind. I was quite confortable yesterday - does this mean I am becoming more and more "lonely-at-the-top" category? Dunno...

Saturday night was just too good - I relaxed after a long long time. Miho took us to the Darling Harbour area for absolutely yummy seafood. Ken was at his best and all of us laughed our hearts out...hmmm I will remember the starlit night sky, the water lapping around, the prawns, humungous lobsters, crab, (couldnt enjoy the oysters though) and Ken's jokes. We also went for a second party - my margarita coupled with the view of brightly lit Opera House and Harbour Bridge - was great.

2003-03-29T08:45:00.000-08:00

If Saddam needs to be removed because of his atrocities, why does the liberator-of-the-world choose to ignore what is happening in Zimbabwe - Why is Mugabe not their target? Because there's no oil in question here?

On a different note.... I cannot stop thanking Swami for sending this one to me....

Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I love my Bose system - it brings life into the songs. I enjoy the positive note of this song.
I am leaving for Sydney on 2nd - my first business trip to the southern hemisphere :) I am excited and tensed. Tensed because of the criticality of the work to be done an excited to see another new place. Sydney -the place where my dear friend Ana fell in love. If I talk to her, she will be re-living those moments.
So many associations are there with a place, a smell. Even today when I smell the moistness of the earth as the first raindrops fall - it reminds me of Durgapur - the lovely Sal trees, the heat, the sand, the sweat and then in the evening time a strong breeze of "Kalbaisakhi" and then the shower ! I enjoyed breathing in the smell of the earth releasing its heat and thirstily soaking in the rain. I miss tropical weather.

2003-03-27T16:34:00.000-08:00

I saw the first sakura of the season today.

2003-03-27T07:55:00.000-08:00

I had a lovely evening today.....it was the farewell party of To at Erawan - lovely Thai restaurant 13th floor in Roppongi. The view was great - a huge glass window as the front view and the crowd was small for that big a man's farewell party! So we were just a close-knit group there....it was fun because of the sense of humor that everyone had. Corporate life is different and the more I observe and know, the more I am curious to understand how the machine rolls. This party was a simple one - but I carry my valuable insights. Unless u get into it u will never know.

2003-03-27T01:32:00.000-08:00

Got a great kick when I got my Australian visa done in 15 minutes time!! Specially so since I was competing with my boss who implied I could not beat his record of getting it done in a day's time (normal time told to us is 2 weeks) - yippeee I have greater respect for my negotiation skills now :)

2003-03-26T06:50:00.000-08:00

The more I watch the news on Iraq - the more disgusted I feel! I really liked the quote in this blog:

"the West won the world not by the superiority of its ideas or values or religion but rather by its superiority in applying organized violence. Westerners often forget this fact, non-Westerners never do." Samuel P. Huntington

Isn't this war "organized violence" (or "organized terrorism" - just to use a more modern terminology)?

2003-03-26T06:38:00.000-08:00

Crowd
Tokyo is a crowded city. It's like "people people everywhere.." I have stayed in lot of crowded cities, Mumbai, Calcutta, Delhi, Bangalore and for a short duration in New York - but Tokyo is different. It is crowded and yet not crowded. When I travelled by train in Calcutta or Bombay (I prefer this name) - I had a glimpse into the lives of so many people. I knew Rupa was having a problem with her maid-servant, Mohini is not finding a cheaper apartment in Andheri, the-lady-in-green-sari is upset her husband snores. In New York I know what is running in Broadway, which is the downtown pub one will visit, the speaker's opinion of the Dow movement. They are truly crowded.

In Tokyo the shutters are down. There are more people travelling, far more warm breaths steaming into the compartment - but it is all quiet on the eastern front. Everyone has a earphone shining brightly; a big majority is dozing, few are reading pocket-dictionary-sized Japanese books and yet others are sombrely looking straight ahead - trying to avoid eye-contact with co-passengers. I see the crowd, I touch the crowd (when I am jostled) - but I dont feel the crowd - I know nothing of them. Only exception are the 11.30pm trains when people are floating in Beer - ah that's when I get my peek into the society! Tokyo-ites will tell you midnight is the time when trains are bursting in their seams - I agree with them - though for a different reason. I feel the crowd at that time.

2003-03-25T20:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you should just let go...because there is only so much you can do, there is only so much you can try. I remember Suraj had written across his desk "And this too shall pass."

2003-03-25T04:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday suddenly it turned warm in Tokyo. When we went for lunch it was 17 deg C. The Sakura trees already have small buds - they are just ready to bloom. I love Sakura season. This is my 3rd Sakura - it still never fails to amaze me when the bare brown trees are covered with pinkish-white flowers - mind you, no leaves - just flowers, flowers and flowers. In 2 weeks time the flowers are gone and fresh green leaves will sprout ....

2003-03-25T02:07:00.000-08:00

I was thinking why does rejection hurt so much. Somewhere it builds up a feeling that "i" am not good enough - it creates an inferiority complex - it is more like rejection of your "self" by a superior person (the other). If you think through this you will soon realize there are several anomalies to this theory:

1. You assume the other person is superior and capable of passing judgement on you as a person.
2. Rejection means the person is passing judgement on you as a person - it may not be so.
3. The incident may be an illustration of how certain people behave under certain circumstances - that's all.

When u think someone tricked you, you need to be conscious that you consented in someway to the tricking. You had an option to believe or not to believe the person - and you believed - so it was a consent from you. Does that make me feel better and convinced? I try.

2003-03-24T20:22:00.000-08:00

I hate being taken for granted. I am mad but now I am following a conscious rule. Everytime I get angry, I stop and think "Well, I may not be in Japan after a while - I may not ever meet these people again - do I really want to fight with them?" I realize I dont. I feel that sickening pain when I think of leaving and I forget to be angry - if I feel this way at the thought of leaving, definitely I care - so why waste the time I have with them.
Hmmm sometimes it is difficult...this is one such time. :-| Btw, how do I introduce smilies in my blog ?

2003-03-23T17:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's match was entertaining! Though the Indian bowlers left us shell-shocked - the little gathering at Bh's place was entertaining all throughout. The quote of the day:

Ru: "Has Australia declared?"

That was when, in spite of the array of wides& full-tosses-hit-overboundary, I fell off my chair laughing! Australia was going great guns at that point and we were just debating on whether they will overshoot 350 mark - that's when this one-liner punch bowled me out (forgive the hashed metaphor). Come to think of it, though it was an innocent comment from the dear lady - it still made sense - the score was so high Australia could probably have debated on doing that for a one-dayer! I know reports will be rampant on how horrible the whole show was, how bad Ganguly's decision was (post-facto the comments come so easy and accurate!) - but I still felt glad there was some amount of fight that the team put up. OK - enough of cricket - time to get back to work.

2003-03-22T08:54:00.000-08:00

I could not sleep - so I logged in at this hour...hmm 1.45am is pretty late. A Japanese lady was learning a new style of breast-stroke today - she has 2 children at University level - her age is guess-able. I remembered that ad "When was the last time you did something for the first time..." Oops my typing is disturbing...so I have to logoff.

2003-03-21T07:27:00.000-08:00

We bought the DVD of "Road to Perdition" and watched it at last (have been trying to see it for some time now). Quite a neat movie. I do think though the boy's (Michael) later life could have been made a little more lucid to the audience...
But it's past midnight now and I need to catch some sleep since I want to hit the gym early tomorrow....so bye!

2003-03-21T07:17:00.000-08:00

Am I growing old? What a question - but of course everyone is growing old at every moment. Yet, what I consider to be really growing old is when you feel you are losing touch with another generation. You dont identify some things so easily.

I am missing myself today.

2003-03-18T05:33:00.000-08:00

I went to gym today and covered over 4kms in the treadmill - feeling immensely good after that. The UK parliament debate is right now on - I must admit Blair is too impressive - he has almost managed to convince me that war is needed - he is so convincing and I envy his mastery of the language! I am impressed!

2003-03-17T21:12:00.000-08:00

I am BLUE today. I feel bad about everything. At every small thing I am having tears in my eyes. I dont like this self-pity-feeling I am having. I need to vanish from here.

2003-03-16T22:59:00.000-08:00

Is there something too special about this song which makes me crazy about it?

I just want to tell you, all the things you are,
And all the things you mean to me.

When I find myself believing there's no place to go.
When I feel the loneliness inside my heart.

You're the answer to my prayer,
And you're with me everywhere.
You're my angel, miracle, you're all I need tonight.

Give me shelter from the rain,
You breathe life in me again.
You're my angel, miracle,
You're all I need to know, tonight.

Life is just a moment.
We're blowing in the wind.
We're trying to find a friend.

And only time can tell us.
If win or if we lose.
And who will stand beside us.

When there's darkness all around me,
You're the light I see.
When I need someone to ease my troubled mind.

Or is it just because I have this stupid tendency to fantasize every silly thing?

2003-03-11T23:06:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday I was returning with Man-di from Yamate. She is a lady who is in her mid-fifties(?) - I am back calculating since she was born prior to independence. It was a Saturday afternoon and we were travelling from Yamate to Tokyo. It's a good distance of 40/45 minutes. The afternoon sun was mellowing and she was talking about her days of youth. She has migrated from India to Japan. Now she goes to India once a year. Last time she went with a group of Japanese who were Prisoners of War (POW) during the WW-II. They were captured from Malaysia, Singapore and deported to Delhi - then relocated to a place in Rajasthan. They visited the place to pay homage to those who had passed away.......there is this sole Army base standing in that village now and the villagers were surprised to find a group of Japanese visiting this forsaken place.
It was a glimpse from history ... a time passed before I was born .... it sent a shiver through me. As if I could feel the feelings of those people who lived at that time, who felt the pain.... ahhh I am a romantic - Shy is right!

2003-03-10T06:18:00.000-08:00

I like being spoiled, doted at...I dont get it nowadays. If I get love, I multiply it several times before returning it....but I feel so "dry" when people dont pamper me or show their love for me......umm Monday blues. No points for guessing which sunsign I belong to!
Watching the Ind-SL match now - Sri Lanka's gone - cant believe their dislay of zeroes (five batsmen out for duck) - amazing!

2003-03-09T22:18:00.000-08:00

Highlights of the weekend:

1. Shy brought back 3 tops for me from HK and SNG - they have the sleek HK-cut and I like them. Though I feel the necessity to shed a few kilos.
2. Freaked out in gym for 3 more hours: aerobics, treadmill, cycling, swimming - whoah.
3. Saw "Hollywood-Bollywood". Rate it "ma-ma" ("so-so" in Japanese).Rahul Khanna looked dashing though his acting lacks edge. Lisa Ray was better.
4. Had golguppas brought by Din from SNG - wow, delicacies!

2003-03-07T18:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday when we were going for lunch Sud mentioned he witnessed a brawl between a lady and a man in the station - the lady was shouting 'you have spoiled my life' and hitting the man. Everyone was laughing - why could I not laugh? I dont think the feeling that lady was going through was something to laugh about. I remember Priyanka - she was transformed - as if someone has snuffed out the light from her life. I was too young then and not yet emotionally sensitized to understand the feeling, the emotional stress. Do men always remain that way - emotionally un-sensitized even when they grow up ? Or else how can they inflict such pain on another human beng? Probably I sound biased when i say just men - maybe some woman also do...but I can bet the balance is tilted. Here's another nice song....

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong, I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn't be so confused
And I wouldn't feel so used
But you always really knew
I just want to be with you
And I'm in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You've got me wrapped around your finger
Do have to let it linger?
Do you have to...do you have to...do you have to let it linger?

2003-03-06T05:45:00.000-08:00

Today I learnt:

<> Rameses II is the son of Seti I and his principal wife Queen Tuya.

Huh, I did not know my name has any link to Egyptian history!

2003-03-06T05:24:00.000-08:00

Now I am home - the living room has a dream-like atmosphere. The two corner lamps are glowing a mellow-yellow, filling up the whole place and the Bose system is playing Paul Mauriat's "Love is Blue" - unlike the title implies, it is quite a happy note and I love it - even better than the Richard Clayderman version. I am at peace.

I dont allow my memories of the day take away this beautiful moment in my "present".
I imagine the blue sky, the white clouds running around, the lush green paddy fields.
And this too shall pass.

The disc skips to the next number; Robert Miles' "Fables" brings back IIMB - the dark night sky with the bright stars and the music pulling me out of the intricacies of Corp Fin -ahh there's the sound of happiness beating around the room - Bose is great :)

2003-03-06T05:01:00.000-08:00

When I was walking back home, it was drizzling. I did not have an umbrella, just the hood of my coat - raindrops pitter-pattered on my face and the mp3 player blasted...."you take my breath away" - it was great.

Through the hourglass I saw you
In time you slipped away
When the mirror crashed I called you
And turned to hear you say
If only for today
I am unafraid
You take my breath away

Were they tears of humiliation - no they were raindrops aplenty. Illusion/fantasy is a cushion - it helps you retain sanity.

2003-03-05T22:46:00.000-08:00

Today's a dull day....I dont feel energetic - maybe I should go down to the gym and spend 30 minutes on the treadmill - to kick myself awake.

2003-03-04T21:31:00.000-08:00

"I am part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untraveled world whose margin fades
Forever and forever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end"

2003-03-04T21:29:00.000-08:00

I had a lovely time at home yesterday. First of all I was back early, so I had plenty of time and I was alone. The lawlessness with which I spent the time made it so enjoyable. Fiddled with my mails and Kazaa for a while, then watched Tom&Jerry while consuming some snacks for dinner, switched to BBC news while gobbling two Haagen Daaz (RoyalMilkTea-Vanilla and Chocolate-Vanilla), slept off in the sofa till my neck started hurting and that's when I crept into bed - peaceful!

I was supposed to have a very different day yesterday - was supposed to take leave and stay home and what-not...but I made up for the initial disappointment. I have started to take control and not be controlled because other people dont care. No one can hurt me unless I allow myself to be hurt! I am what I am. :-) So many of our troubles vanish, if we can effectively regulate our expectation level !!

2003-03-04T03:07:00.000-08:00

While coming back from office I felt free today ... that sort of surprised me. Why should it be that way? When Shy is there I feel obligated to do certain things and I never realized that has such an impact on me. I was looking forward to walking in home without any expectations to meet, without any must-do things - I actually felt free and that somehow scared me. Am I also getting into that hole of "married women" who is busy living upto expectations? I think I have lot of freedom - I can do almost anything I want to do - but that expectation is something so hard to live upto. At home I never had to live upto any expectation and that is the BIG difference - I just realized it today!

2003-03-03T17:12:00.000-08:00

Shy is leaving for Singapore and HK today. I am depressed. I know it is only 4/5 days, but I hate to think of going home without him there. Now wait a minute...is that true? I think partially true. At other times I enjoy spending some time on my own.
There is a strong breeze blowing today - but today is another of those very bright days - large puffs of cloud on a deep blue sky. I could see the Sakura trees already having buds - may be the Cherry blossom season will be quicker this time.

2003-02-28T06:43:00.000-08:00

Something different happened today. We were out for lunch - I suddenly met my junior colleague in ABB. It was such a surprise...from Calcutta to Tokyo and after 5 years! A face can bring back so much of the times you have left behind - BKDG and Satyajit and JB ....the power projects, the electrical diagrams - ha ha "they flash upon that inward eye".
I went out for a drink with R-san and company for the first time today. It was a small place but again, I was doing something for the first time and I liked it. It may be a far cry from being accepted in the group - but I will make myself believe this is a first step. Tomorrow is India-Pak match and I am keeping my fingers crossed. We should be having fun in any case since we will be having some 9 people coming over to our place to watch the match.

2003-02-28T06:20:00.000-08:00

I escaped from office yesterday - for a few hours(2 hrs) during lunchtime. The weather was great - deep blue sky, lovely golden sunshine and the trees looked green. It's still winter out here - temperature is still below 10deg.C, so the mild breeze had a slight chill. It was this combination of sun and chill that made it so lovely. I was glad to get out - it was a few hours of peaceful time spent. After that short trip to the world outside I found I was totally at peace with myself. Is it not very difficult to know what you exactly want? It felt great to do something I have never done before - escape from office :)

2003-02-26T06:53:00.000-08:00

I had a very mixed day. I was utterly unhappy in the morning but by evening I had regained my spirits. I must take a vacation to get rid of these mood swings. One year of no vacation is a long time - specially when you are not in India. Suds told me the same today - you are so unpredictable nowadays! It is surprising the way my feelings and thinking fluctuate at times! Now I am watching the India England match and having some fun time!

2003-02-25T17:31:00.000-08:00

I really like the lyrics of this song....

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

Thanks Swami. You dont know how much this piece on my desktop means to me.

2003-02-25T05:13:00.000-08:00

I got inspired at last by all the blogs I have been reading and signed up.